When a loved one, family member, or close friend leaves, people with a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder may feel lost, afraid, angry, lonely, empty, bored, or there may be significant grief related to what could be just a temporary absence.
Of course, a temporary separation does not mean that the person is gone forever. Even in healthy relationships, people travel for work, spend time with friends, engage in caregiving, or maybe they find that their own emotional batteries are recharged by being alone for extended periods of time.
Time spent outside of the relationship—even if it’s just for a few hours—can be healthy. It’s not a sign of rejection or abandonment although it can feel that way to the person who is emotionally sensitive or for that person who longs for connection.
“Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.”
Skills from DBT Can Make a Difference
Fears of abandonment can be reduced by using skills from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).
For instance, couples:
• might use the observe and describe skills from mindfulness to help themselves communicate their thoughts and emotions. It can be healthy to say, “I love you and I’ll miss you tonight,” or “I hope that you have a fun weekend; I’ll be thinking about you.” Journaling in a partner’s absence may also be a way to use these DBT skills.
• can create cope ahead plans for when they are separated. This plan made before the separation might include things like a list of distress tolerance skills or activities that may reduce sadness or loneliness. Couples can also create short videos or voice memos to each each that can be played when feeling overwhelmed. Reminders about what life will be like when people come back together after an absence can also be soothing and reassuring.
• may validate each other when emotions are particularly intense can also be beneficial. Validation can be verbal but we can also validate others by our actions. Leaving a partner a sweet “I’ll miss you” note can help to increase that desired connection and alleviate loneliness.
• can use opposite action to reduce the intensity or duration of difficult emotions like sadness, anger, guilt, or shame. This is a tougher skill but it can also be one that increases our peace of mind and self-respect. We can remember that we don’t always need others to help regulate our emotions or do things for us that will help us to feel better about ourselves. These skills help us to empower ourselves.
• might use the Interpersonal Effectiveness skill of DEAR MAN to help clarify wants or needs prior to any separation. We have an opportunity to ask each other, “Will you please check in with me later tonight before you go to sleep?” or “May we Facetime for just five minutes? I’ve missed seeing you.”
• could use check the facts about abandonment fears and abandonment memories. For instance, fears can be justified but not effective. That means that we can use a skill like opposite action when acting on fears may damage the relationship. Instead, couples can focus on what is factual and true about the relationship.
What to Avoid
Couples will want to avoid invalidating behaviors like threats, ultimatums, unusually long period of silence (8+ hours) causing a partner to worry, or saying things that are mean or hurtful. During a temporary absence or separation, it’s also important to not over-communicate with too many calls or texts. Finally, healthy couples don’t expect that their partner will read their mind or make guesses about the what the other one wants.
Couples could remember one of the key goals in DBT: Don’t make a bad situation worse. This is true if we’re together or if we’re apart.
Want more? Check out these resources about creating a life worth living.
Ideas for Practicing DEAR MAN
DBT for Family Members and Friends
My Dialectical Life: A DBT Self-Help Tool