Are you gentle with others? What does it mean to be gentle in relationships?

Dialectical behavior therapy (or DBT) is an evidence-based treatment created by psychologist Marsha Linhean that helps people manage unwanted emotions, improves relationships, and helps people reach important goals. The ultimately goal in DBT is to create a life worth living. Better relationships could be an important goal you are working toward.

If you are learning DBT skills and have a desire to improve your relationships with those you love, then the GIVE skills are for you.

G = be gentle
I = act interested
V = validate
E = use an easy manner

Being gentle may mean that we:

• refuse to yell or argue even when being angry makes sense
• say “please” and “thank you”
• assume that others have the best of intentions
• speak quietly
• don’t play the “family historian” and remind people about their previous mistakes
• forgive
• are mindful of what the other person is thinking or feeling
• say, “I love you.”
• say, “I’m glad that you’re in my life.”
• say, “Thank you for being you.”
• don’t imagine that someone else’s mood shift is our fault
• help when we can
• allow others to be who they are
• let go of judgments
• don’t complain
• refuse to threaten or say things we know will hurt

Creating a healthier relationship is your responsibility. It starts with you—not the other person.

When to Use This Skill
You can use this skill anytime you have an interaction with someone.

You can use this skill with a stranger, roommate, customer service rep, your children, your parents, and you might even decide to practice this skill with a therapist. The more you practice this skill, the easier it is to use when you have an urge to be mean, yell, or say things you might regret later.

Remember: These skills are for everyone. When family members and other loved ones learn and use these skills, amazing things can happen. Don’t settle for an average relationship when you can make improvements together.

One of my favorite books to recommend to couples is The High-Conflict Couple by Alan Fruzzetti. It’s a DBT book with even more good ideas for using the GIVE skills.

Ask yourself:

• What steps can I take today to improve this relationship by just a little bit?
• Am I gentle with others? Am I demanding or do I act entitled?
• How am I showing others that I love and care about them?

Want more? Check out these resources about creating a life worth living.

Ideas for Practicing DEAR MAN

DBT for Family Members and Friends

My Dialectical Life: A DBT Self-Help Tool