You already know that validation can be one of the most effective ways that you can close the communication gap with your loved one.
It’s important for family members and friends to know that validation isn't just something you say ("I can see that you really feel strongly about this.") or text, but also something you do. For instance, we validate each other when we give hugs, put our phones down and make eye contact, or when we hand someone a tissue when they're crying, or a blanket when they are feeling cold.
This is especially true if your family member's love language is acts of service.
External validation is validation that comes from other people. This might include the validation we receive from parents, spouses, friends, strangers on the internet, and work colleagues. Internal validation comes from within. It may be that small voices that tells us, "You're okay. This is tough but you'll make it through this."
The problem, however, with needing that external validation is that it may not always be accessible. Sometimes people simply don't know what to say or do. Other times people don't know when their family member is desiring validation. Even the best validators in your family may miss the mark at times. It's unrealistic to think that we can be perfectly validating at any given moment.
A lot of people desire that external validation but we want to recognize that the ability to validate our experiences, emotions, thoughts, values, and urges is also important.
The healthiest individuals I work with can often tell themselves things like:
* Emotions are just emotions, and thoughts are just thoughts.
* I can solve this problem myself and ask for help if I need it.
* I can have my values and still love others with different values at the same time.
* I can do hard things.
* Sometimes people are just upset about other things, but they aren't necessarily mad at me.
* It's okay to want a hug right now.
Of course, self-validation is a learned skill and not something that comes easily for most people with a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. All of us get better at self-validation when we consistently embrace moments when we can self-validate. That may be obvious to you but may not be quite so apparent to your loved one.
When you validate your family member, you model an essential life skill for them. The fact is that most people will need for you to do this for them before they can do it on their own.
Will you be that person in your loved one's life today?
If you love someone with borderline personality disorder, please check out my 12-week course for families.