Do your thoughts ever get in the way of being the person you want to become? For many people with BPD, limiting beliefs and a bias toward negativity may be something important that prevents them from healing and reaching their goals.

For instance, do (or your family member) you ever think:

• It’s not safe for me to recover.

• I cannot get what I need to recover.

• I don’t have the support to recover.

• I am undeserving of recovery.

• I’m not ready to recover.

• I’m unable to recover.

• I cannot recover.

• I don’t want to recover.

• I will be alone if I recover.

Thinking, “Why bother?” or “I’ll only fail again,” prevents people from stepping out of their comfort zone and taking the steps that will lead them to healthier lives and better relationships. These next steps might include an evidence-based therapies like dialectical behavior therapy or mentalization-based treatment. Even a self-help approach like NAMI Connection’s model of weekly support and education or Recovery International may be helpful. A self-compassion practice is also something that may be helpful in changing limiting or defeating beliefs.

How Family Members Can Help

Family members and friends can help by letting their loved one know that they believe in them and their ability to heal. Recovery work can be long and family members will benefit from being patient. The individual’s support system should be encouraged to celebrate small successes along the way while recognizing that motivation to complete the work may continue to rise and fall due to the non-linear process of recovery. A pause in the work does not mean that the person has failed.

One of my favorite bits of wisdom about recovery from borderline personality disorder comes from Marsha Linehan, PhD—the creator of dialectical behavior therapy. I love sharing this quote is from her book, Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder.

Improvement will not result from simply visiting a therapist and gaining insight, taking a medication, receiving consistent nurturing, finding the perfect relationship, or resigning ourselves to the grace of God. Most importantly, the therapist cannot play the role of savior. While it may be true that the person cannot change on their own, and needs help, the lion's share of the work must be done by the person with the problem.

Countless people all over the world have found both hope and healing from borderline personality disorder. People with borderline personality disorder can learn to help themselves. Please don’t assume that you (or your family member) are the exception.

Recovery is possible.

If you love someone with borderline personality disorder, please check out my 12-week course for families.