Yay! I love new books that I can recommend to my clients and their families. Please share this book with others. —Amanda L. Smith, LCSW
Please tell us about you and your book. How did you get started?
I started thinking about writing a book on this subject over 8 years ago when I was teaching and developing a lot of mindfulness programs. One day I was contemplating how to explain all the ways to validate and there was a moment when the chapter titles seemed to just cascade into my mind and I felt this urgency to put this together (Presence, Acceptance, Empathy, Compassion, Wisdom, and Respect). At that time many of the teachers and trainers in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) were talking about levels of validation and giving them numbers that we were expected to memorize. I don’t really connect with numbers as much as I do with words and I remember being very judgmental about having to identify the type of validation by its number. I think that is what starting to make me think about finding the right words to categorize, remember, and understand different aspects to validation. These words organized everything for me.
Who did you have in mind as you were writing your book?
I had many people in my head accompanying me through the book – family members, colleagues, students, clients, teachers, friends… All the examples come from real people with the names and perhaps a detail changed to protect their identity fully. I have known many people who were sensitive to the pain of invalidation and I thought a lot about them. I have been teaching family workshops for 15 years—classes for people with a loved-one touched by borderline personality disorder.
What is validation?
Validation is the act of corroborating or confirming that a person’s internal experience (including feelings, emotions, thoughts, desires, etc.) is important, authentic, legitimate, understandable and/or that it makes sense. It is an important concept that Marsha Linehan developed in a robust form in her treatment, Dialectical Behavior Therapy for persons who are emotionally sensitive, vulnerable and who can suffer intense emotional dysregulation.
Are some people naturally validating?
I have met some people who are amazing validators to everyone around them including themselves. It seems some people are born and raised with it and it just comes naturally. On the other hand, I have also met some people who suffered a terribly invalidating environment and, if you ask them, they are able to turn around every invalidating comment into a kind, supportive and validating response. Nobody taught them but they have an innate empathy and deep sensitivity.
Dr. Stoewsand is the author of Genuine Validation.
How has validation made a difference in your own life?
When I first began to understand validation, it was a life changer. It was the single most important social-emotional skill I ever learned. When I really got it I felt like I knew what to say and how to say things to other people. I improved my own confidence and my ability to communicate with others, including my own family. I learned to stop giving advice. I stopped scolding others and telling them what they are doing wrong. I understood how patterns of invalidating responses led to so much insecurity, confusion, suffering, and chronic mental illnesses which made validation skills all the more important and powerful.
What advice would you give to someone who is learning how to validate others?
The very first baby steps would be to:
1. Learn what is invalidating and stop doing it. Do not give unsolicited advice, do not criticize others, and do not emit judgments and evaluations as if they were facts.
2. Just start by listening fully without interruption and try to be open and empathic of the other person’s experience.
Is there a "perfect" or "right" way to validate others?
There is only one person who gets to decide if the validation was “right.” That is the person who is being validated.
Who has inspired your work?
“My families” are my greatest source of inspiration. What I mean is that I have been teaching workshops for family members of persons diagnosed with borderline personality disorder every week for over a dozen years. Of all the skills that I teach, validation is the most important and the most transformative.
Family members, mostly parents of young adults, arrive to the first couple of classes desperate, anxious, and confused. By the end of the course most of the families have begun to experience transformations in their relationships. They are hopeful for the first time in years. I leave every class filled with inspiration for the opportunity to touch the lives of so many families. I don’t know who is more grateful – them or me.
What's next for you in your work?
The book is about to be published in Spanish – which is the language in which I have been teaching this subject for the past 15 years. I am working on my next book with a colleague which includes all the skills that we teach in our family workshops in Buenos Aires, Argentina. I am also planning an online course to accompany the book for people who want more experiential learning.
I hope to reach many more people who are interested in having deeper relationships and healthier communication. This is an era in which we urgently need to develop empathic connection and compassion communication to counter the historic political economic, technological, and environmental challenges that we are facing today.
Congratulations, Dr. Stoewsand! Check out her book by clicking here.
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