Within dialectical behavior therapy (or DBT), there exists many assumptions that therapists and clients are asked to make. The first one is that all people are doing the best that they can.
But is this true? Are others doing the best that they can? We can also ask ourselves, “Are we doing the best that we can?”
It’s an interesting question to explore but, first, there are other assumptions we are encouraged to make in DBT. These include:
• People want to improve.
and
• People need to do better, try harder, and be more motivated to change. (It’s a nice reminder that we all have room to grow and change but we may need a little extra help.)
Most people will say that they are doing the best that they can—at least most of the time. I think that people can also identify with the desire to improve their lives while also realizing that it takes a lot of hard work to change the parts of ourselves we do not like.
If this is true for us, it may also be true for others in our lives.
And there may be some exceptions. For instance, sometimes people really do have the intention to cause harm to us or others. Understanding that most people are doing the best that they can does not mean, however, that we excuse or are quick to forgive others. You already know that it wouldn’t be the wisest choice for us to stay friends with someone who has stolen money from us or taken advantage of us in some other way. The same is true for people who may have physically harmed, abused, or neglected us. We can understand why people may hurt others but that doesn’t mean that we want to continue to remain on the receiving end of someone else’s pain, trauma, or addiction.
If you are in a relationship with someone who intentionally physically or emotionally hurts you, please think about reaching out to an expert who can help you make a smart decision about weighing the pros and cons of staying in that relationship. The compassionate and nonjudgmental people at The National Domestic Violence Hotline can help get you started or you can look for a therapist who specializes in helping couples create healthier relationships. Locating therapists who have been trained by The Gottman Institute can be a great place to start.
If we’re honest with ourselves, we may also think of a time in our past when we intentionally hurt others. This is especially true if we’ve been hurt ourselves. We might think, “I’m going to get back at them,” or “I want him to suffer as much as I have.”
Sometimes we inadvertently harm others when we are in emotional pain. We don’t mean to blow up relationships, invalidate others, yell, threaten, or cause people to worry about us but it does happen. All of us are guilty of this at one time or another. It’s actually a pretty normal part of been alive. If you have hurt someone else (either intentionally or unintentionally) you could apologize and work hard to change any future behaviors that may be harmful toward others.
Of course, it’s a choice to harm others. We don’t have to act on these urges. In fact, refusing to engage in these kinds of urges is a sign of being an emotionally-healthy individual. As a DBT therapist, becoming healthier is an important goal for the people I work with each day.
When I think about the idea that people are doing the best that they can, I often think about the wisdom of writer Maya Angelou:
Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.
I know that this has certainly been true for me as a therapist, wife, sister, and friend. Perhaps you find that it’s true for you or for someone you care about.
If you’re interested in learning more about DBT, I’d love for you to check out My Dialectical Life—an affordable DBT self-help tool.
I love recommending Marsha Linehan’s book DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets (Second edition), for additional information about assumptions in DBT.