Many people with a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder will, at times, identify with the following descriptions of their experience:
• I cannot cope as well as others.
• I need more help than most people.
• People need to be near me in order for me to regulate my emotions.
• When people leave, I feel empty.
• I don’t like who I am.
• I cannot be helped.
• I feel disconnected from others.
• I am a disappointment.
• I cannot trust others.
It’s important to note that even people who do not have a mental health diagnosis will say these things to themselves on tough days. Individuals who have a lot of self-confidence or believe in their ability to solve problems and be successful have moments where they believe that they are “not enough” or feel misunderstood.
In the late 1960s, psychologist Martin Seligman began to develop a theory about a behavior he called “learned helplessness.” He believed that people could learn how to feel helpless through a series of life events or circumstances. These catalysts for learned helplessness might include early abuse or neglect or it may occur due to a traumatic event or even through developmental trauma—any recurring childhood adversity such as living with a chronic illness, frequent moves or changes in schools, or long-term exposure to domestic violence.
Within the framework of dialectical behavior therapy (or DBT)—an evidence-based treatment for emotional dysregulation—we often think of the role of traumatic invalidation in the lives of people who are suffering with challenges such as suicidal thinking or self-injurious behaviors. Traumatic invalidation is any invalidating event that continues to have negative consequences for the individual long after the trauma has ended. Examples of traumatic invalidation may include being the child of a parent addicted alcohol, repeated bullying in middle school, or growing up in a home where the emotional needs of a sensitive child were either ignored or dismissed.
Thankfully, there are many excellent treatments to help individuals move from a place of learned helplessness to learned hopefulness. We might even think of hopefulness as a crucial life skill that we can nurture and develop over time. DBT is just one treatment that may be effective (in fact, self-validation and self-acceptance are coping strategies I teach my clients) but psychodynamically-based approaches such as mentalization-based treatment or transference-focused psychotherapy may also help to unravel the knots that keep people from believing that they be both happier and healthier. Supportive treatment with a focus on self-compassion is something else that can be very beneficial for people who are struggling with the idea that life will always be challenging. In particular, I love recommending the work of Christopher Germer, PhD.
I encourage people coping with symptoms of BPD (as well as their families) to imagine that they are neither helpless nor hopeless. There are small choices you can make today to help yourself feel better. You are worthy of a life-changing recovery.
Your past doesn’t have to dictate your future.
Interested in reading more? Check out:
• Why Validation Matters—an interview with therapist Corrine Stoewsand
• Coping with Emotional Crises
• Why Do People with BPD Feel Empty?
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