What You Should Know About Shame
Shame is a normal emotion everyone experiences at one time or another.
We experience shame when:
• we are rejected or excluded by others
• remembering a time when we felt exposed, rejected, or abandoned
• someone shares something about us that we’d prefer to keep hidden or secret
• others avoid us
• we need help
• our emotions are invalidated, dismissed, or made fun of
• someone tells us that our values or beliefs are “wrong”
• we are judged inaccurately because of our values or beliefs
• we share something personal or private and that revelation is met with rejection
We may also experience shame around taboo or sensitive topics like sex, money, religion, appearance, race, culture, political beliefs, and a mental health diagnosis.
Shame often goes hand in hand with emotions like guilt, embarrassment, sadness, and anger. For instance, we may lash out at others in anger but underneath that anger is shame.
You may not be surprised to know that some research suggests that individuals with a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder may experience excessive shame.
Like all emotions, shame can sometimes be adaptive or helpful when it helps us to identify important values and beliefs. Instead of running from shame or pushing away feelings of shame, we can respond with a healthy curiosity and ask ourselves, "What's bringing up this emotion right now? What can I learn from this shame that I’m feeling?" or "Is shame justified? Will people really reject me if I share this with them?"
As a therapist, I don't always hear about behaviors that create shame in my clients unless we have established a relationship with a lot of trust. My clients need to know that I won't reject or judge them for behaviors that may be destroying their lives or relationships.
They also need to know that family members and friends will not be rejecting.
For family members, friends, and even therapists, the first instinct may be to rush in and try to soothe or reassure the person who is experiencing shame and that's just what Peter Levine, PhD addresses in this video. Because we love, we want to make things better. We say kind words, and may try to tell the person that we're proud of them for sharing something so difficult.
And, of course, there's a time and a place for soothing others, but when shame is most intense, we may want to simply sit quietly with the person instead of trying to find all the "right" words or doing something to help that person feel better. In that moment, family members and friends with a diagnosis don't need fancy psychological interventions, admonishment, or judgment.
Skills and Strategies to Help Reduce Shame
I share with my clients that they can reduce (but not necessarily eliminate) the shame they are experiencing by sharing their story with others.
A support group can help and a 12-step program for addictions can consistently help reduce shame while gently encouraging participants to resist behaviors that might create a cycle of shame.
Psychologist Marsha Linehan suggests using the DBT skill of opposite emotion for shame so we can share our stories about what has created shame in our lives. A good DBT therapist can help you take steps to:
• normalize the emotion of shame
• mindfully observe and describe shame, guilt, and embarrassment
• check the facts and help determine if shame is justified
• reduce self-judgments about things that create shame
• self-validate emotions like shame, guilt, and embarrassment
• grieve the things we cannot change
• create healthier, more trusting relationships
As a dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) therapist, I've seen how a skills group can also reduce shame among members. When people feel loved and accepted, the emotion of shame becomes more manageable.
Finally, I know that forgiveness and self-forgiveness therapy can help people heal from the wounds that keep them mired in shame and self-compassion work may also reduce excessive shame.
Interested in learning more about DBT? I’d love for you to check out My Dialectical Life or my course for family members and friends by clicking here.