Everyone needs validation.
Validation is one of the most helpful tools we have when it comes to communicating to those we love the most. We can validate thoughts, emotions, experiences, values, beliefs, and goals.
With validation can we communicate things like:
You are important.
I understand you.
You matter.
We can verbally validate others and we can validate without ever saying a word.
Of course, validation does not mean agreement. Our goal isn’t to soothe the other person even though validation can be soothing or reassuring.
We also want to be careful to not validate the invalid.
This sometimes happens when the other person wants us to agree with them or show them that we’re on their side. Our beliefs about ourselves and our world often hold us back.
As a DBT therapist, I want to be careful about validating declarations like:
I can’t use any skills to help myself. Nothing will work.
Life will always be hard. No one can ever understand me.
I’m too depressed/anxious/emotional to work again.
I’d be a lousy (and invalidating) therapist if I responded by saying, “You’re right; nothing will ever work. You better give up now.” I’d never say that, however, because it’s not true. Marsha Linehan would say that it’s anti-DBT. Instead I care enough to be honest with my clients about their abilities to cope well in the world.
So I might respond by saying:
Yes, your life is really hard right now, and I think that using a few skills might help you to cope just a bit better.
or
You’re right; the skills may not work. Are you willing to try to use them anyway?
or
Going back to work with anxiety is scary. Let’s come up with a plan to help you lower your anxiety for your job interview. If you get the job, I’ll be available for coaching. We can figure this out together.
Most of us can find a tiny kernel of truth to validate. We might find the kernel of truth in an unspoken thought (“I can’t do it.”) or an emotion (“I’m so afraid that I’ll fail.”).
You might find that a particular way to validate is most effective for you and your loved one. What helps you to reduce misunderstandings and increase healthy communication in your relationships?
If you are looking for additional information on creating more meaningful communication, please check out the following resources.
• The BPD Wellness Planner for Families by Amanda L. Smith
• The Power of Validation by Karyn Hall and Melissa Cook
• Genuine Validation: Compassionate Communication That Transforms Difficult Relationships at Home and Work by Corrine Stoewsand
• Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg